Struggle...Struggle...Fret...Fret...

What was the single most important thing I learned while on Optifast? Nutrition? Nope! Self discipline. Yet, as my one year anniversary with the Kaiser Medical Weight Loss program looms, I find my self discipline waning and temptations to be more and more tempting.

Especially recently.

Perhaps it is my heart, perhaps it is the weather, but I have been binging on sugar like it is no one's business! Last Friday it was soooo bad, that I put myself in the Emergency Room! (My body is hyper-sensitive with the pacemaker; so the sugar literally made me sick!)

After last's nights debacle with the Girl Scout cookies (5 Thin Mints, 3 Somoas, and 4 Lemon Chalet Creams), I spent some time this morning thinking about why. Why am I doing this to myself? Then, I flashed on last night's Biggest Loser, when Hannah weighed in at 201. She was about to break a barrier that had eluded her for a long time. She didn't look happy; she looked scared. I thought to myself, "This binge started when I got within 3 pounds of my goal weight!" I realized I was scared of making my goal, of what it would mean.

I realized it would mean I was done with this enormous endeavor that has given me so much positive self esteem, amazing friends, and a whole new outlook!

I realized it would mean I was no longer special. (That amazing Trav who lost all the weight!)

I realized that it would mean I would have to accept the fact that my exercise has to continue, even though I do not get the extrinsic reward of the scale going down.

I realized that it would mean success--something I have a hard time accepting. I don't like thinking of myself as successful, because I secretly think that I am never good enough for anything.

The great thing about Optifast is that you learn tools to help you get through these times. I mean, if you can eat not so delicious food for four months, you can do almost anything, right?

So, I applied the tools I learned while on product to these past couple of days to help me not go down a very dangerous path. The first thing that I have been doing to help mitigate and manage my binges (so, I do not land in the hospital again and address them head on) is to give myself a time limit. I will not eat anything past X time. I also write EVERYTHING down, so at least I can keep myself accountable. These techniques don't stop me from eating sugary snacks, but at least I am owning what is going in my mouth instead of ignoring it.

Today, I am reimplementing my personal eating rules: no snacks other than the ones I pack. No sugar Monday-Thursday. What I love about life is that everyday is a new day to treat yourself right! I will let you know if returning to stricter eating patterns helps me to avoid the binges!

I would love to be at my goal weight by March 7th--my anniversary with MWL. Let me know how you prevent or manage eating bad, bad stuff!

Okay...here are the numbers!

Starting weight: 234
Current weight: 147
Goal weight: 140

The goals:

Inner goal: staying in touch with the moment!
Outer goal: crossing the finish line at a half marathon!

Talk to you guys soon!